boopednose:

wlwriot:

wlwriot:

wlwriot:

Today I called a girl homophobic as a joke and she almost started crying

She said “my neighbors are a lesbian couple! I’m the least homophobic person you’ll ever meet”

I said “Kelsea I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings but I need you to know that homophobic people can have lesbian neighbors” and she just got even more distraught and said “I’ve been inside their house and I wasn’t even afraid or anything”

AFRAID OF WHAT??

She entered the Home of Phobia and wasn’t even scared

clay-pidgeon:

if i were a dead wife i would want my husband to fag out kinda. i would be fujoing out from hell

impormable:

Old dude came in the shop and when I said “lemme know if you have any questions” he goes “what was the name of Alexander the Great’s horse,” thinking he was so funny. I told him Bucephalus, and he was so disappointed. Like his whole day was hanging on beating me at trivia. He says “you’re only the second person who knew that” and I said “well, probably the third if you count Alexander the Great.” He left without buying anything, and did not say goodbye. I think I honestly hurt his weird little feelings! Sorry I’m a bitch, old man!

zeemczed:

iwilltrytobereasonable:

zeemczed:

homoeroticjunoincident:

terri-theslime13:

archaicfirehydrants:

terri-theslime13:

shittest-wizard-ever:

ash-the-tiefling:

118sexen:

void-mf:

gorefudge:

coelii:

118sexen:

sleepy-boything-shit:

mrblazeflappybird:

elizarivers:

im-an-anthusiast:

outlying-hyppocrate:

saphi-everything-deactivated202:

simply-a-leaf:

118sexen:

daddysclownboy:

whydousernamesevenexist:

quab00:

118sexen:

traaansfem:

:

whydousernamesevenexist:

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

The sins of the guilty

time loop

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

The sins of the guilty

time loop

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

The sins of the guilty

time loop

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

the sins of the guilty

time loop

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

the sins of the guilty

time loop

Guys, let’s make a sandwich. I’ll start:

Bread

the souls of the innocent

the sins of the guilty

hi im emily whats going on in here

Sandwich 👍

THE TIMELOOP HAS BEEN BROKEN EVERYBODY SAY THANK YOU EMILY

Mustard

Bread

bongjoonheaux:

godisafujoshi:

bongjoonheaux:

I beg my kidnappers for a phone, swearing not to make any calls or texts, and they stare over my shoulder, holding a gun to my head as I use my newly-freed hand to post, “So do like, dudes just buy ropes and baklavas from the same store or what lmfao like a specialty Crime Store”

One of the kidnappers says “balaclavas” but it’s muffled under the fabric. I ask them to repeat and they do, their voice raspy from disuse. “You wrote baklava, that’s a pastry.” The other kidnapper goes “stfu” and then after a pause goes “Why would you buy from a crime store”

Then they spit roast me

I didn’t wanna say this but now that someone’s left this kind of comment I have to be honest: Everyone else’s tags are funny but this is the only person who understood my vision for this scenario

luminousbensolo:

aaaaasneakattack:

mx-bones:

rah rah rasputin something something sour cream

He was a cat that smoked a whole bong

 dododecalogist

evilwizard:

so Leslie slew my great serpent is what you’re telling me

onlytiktoks:

andthosearesmalleragents:

foone:

never-obsolete:

Microsoft Productivity Pack for Windows (1992)

Why do the computer and printer have a complicated relationship

have you met a printer

omtai:

infectiouspiss:

infectiouspiss:

omtai:

they should invent a cigarette that gives you vitamins and hrt and shit

TESTOSTEROEN CIGARETTE BEING SMOKED BY A BUTCH DYKE OUTSIDE THE BAR SHE SHOTGUN THR SMOKE INTO MYMOUTH I GET SO HARD I PASS OUT SMASH MY HEAD AND DIE

sorry that was meant for the tags

it’s okay. You’ve painted a beautiful and true picture